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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 3, 2011 at 23:29

Here's your laugh for the day!!

 

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years".

 

He said "That's a mirror, ya old fart"!

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Permalink Reply by stephen tungate on December 4, 2011 at 0:30

quit it jj my stomach is hurting....

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 4, 2011 at 0:47

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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on December 4, 2011 at 1:02

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target;

Dear Mrs. Johnson ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

-June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

-July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

-July 17: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

-August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

-August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

-August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

-September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

-October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

-October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

-October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

-October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

-October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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Permalink Reply by Billy Oneale on December 4, 2011 at 14:17

He , he, he. That's funny.

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 4, 2011 at 16:00

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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on December 4, 2011 at 16:34

Just received this from a friend. Thought we should know about this before The Christmas festivites;

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 5, 2011 at 7:02

Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the golf course.
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
I'll be home later.
Love you……

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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on December 5, 2011 at 16:14

Looks good to me.

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 6, 2011 at 8:16

Oh, I sense a theme for Christmas in the Uncle Wiskers home this year.  In addition to the tool kits I got , last week, for the women-folk, I got some cool multi-tools for the guys at the "As Seen on TV" store...

 

 

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Permalink Reply by Billy Oneale on December 6, 2011 at 12:20

Does it come with duct tape?

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 6, 2011 at 15:16

Nah, it don't. 

The key here is to tuck it inside your duct tape wallet, so you'll have it handy.

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