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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 11:58

Jeremy Buchanan

What we have here, is the all new Sniper 1 Combat knife. This knife was designed by some of the best Sniping knife, combat soldiers in the world (they do live in their own little world). Through much testing and a lot injuries, the Sniper Combat 1 is now ready for the soldiers who think they can defend the entire platoon with one knife. The way this knife works is, you lock your enemy into the cross hairs of the Phantom Sniper 16X50 scope. Once you have your target locked in, you run with all you’re might and hope for the best. The blade of this knife is made of some of the best quality steel  (left over scraps, from 1970 AMC Gremlins). The handle is made of premium Celluloid (warning: do not store this knife with the scope attached. The Celluloid may attack the plastic lenses of the scope and render the knife and scope useless), and pot metal which will break down after several uses. This knife was designed for a one time use. The cost of the Sniper 1 Combat knife is a measly dollar two ninety eight.

 

Please get your order in quickly as there will be a limited supply.

 

The warranty for this fine product is as follows: There is a limited life time warranty which includes, no parts or service. Once you open the package, the warranty is void.

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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 12:00

Phil Flesch

What a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! This is a James Bond evil bad-guy fortress assault weapon designed and signed by Q. Weapon shown in assault mode. Everyday mode not pictured (weapon normally looks like an i-phone). This weapon has it all. What looks like a rifle scope is a mini-missile launcher that can breach 3’ thick concrete walls. Is that a red dot sight? No, it is a laser burner capable of cutting steel from 100 yards away. The military style knife doubles as a security badge hacking device (just slide the knife edge through the card reader), but it still takes down bad guys like no ones’ business. Want more? The weapon is PERFECTLY balanced and can be thrown effectively by a child for silent sentry removal. So whether you are assaulting a fortress or just looking for that perfect Christmas gift for your Dad, this weapon is the one. $1M OBO.

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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 12:14

Dwight Jurling

 

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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 12:17

allanm

The Ultimate 2117 Tactical Survival Knife

Featuring an industry standard, MilSpec Picatinny rail, this Solowie knife as used by Han Solowie in "Star Wars 327: The Slashing Menace" includes the most advanced features known to knife makers, and tactical knife users since the founding of Master Yoda’s Jedi Academy and Master Donnie's Carter Forge.

 

This Solowie knife was inspired first by an original knife made by James Black for gunfighter Jim Bowie, one of our primitive ancestors of the early 19^th century. Ideas from our more recent, but still primitive ancestors of the early 21^st century where as many useless accessories as possible were frequently mounted on all sides of the then popular AR-15 rifle also influenced the unique and useful design of this incredible tactical survival knife.

 

But our knife makers went even further, incorporating the latest technology available, exactly 100 years after Steve “Manx” Scheuerman during the 20^th century age of enlightenment conceived an idea for a knife so futuristic that the world laughed him off the internet, where he departed the world of ignorant fools to immerse himself in the company of like-minded enthusiasts at the long obsoleted internet site iKnifeCollector founded by Jan and Donnie Carter.

 

Today, we in the iKnifeCollector Digital Matrix have access to the most technologically advanced tactical survival knife, available only to our members.

 

This knife incorporates the latest nanobot technology so advanced that even Han Solowie was amazed. Using simple pinch to zoom technology this knife can be resized to suit your needs and your carry preferences.

 

The knife features a Phantom Tactical Holographic Sight for fast target acquisition, whether stabbing or slashing, with holographic image rendering and your choice of any color dot or cross hairs. For more precise stabbing and slashing accuracy, use the Stabwell Trophy 3-9x40 AO scope with illuminated reticle in the color and reticle pattern of your choice. This scope also includes our patented BDC technology. BDC (Blade Drop Compensation) allows you to precisely determine the amount the blade will drop as you extend your arm and consume energy during tactical use.

 

Simply activate your BlueThought link, pair to the included BlueThought interface on this knife and imagine the color, and reticle pattern you prefer. BDC auto activates based on gyroscopic geospatial sensors which detect velocity, forward-backward motion and penetration to precisely determine the required BDC adjustments after initial calibration.

 

We even include the long popular but now obsolete MilDot reticle for accurate range estimation that most of our primitive ancestors could never understand anyway!

 

If you’re feeling less adventurous and prefer a simple point and shoot interface with no need to learn the manual controls and skills, simply imagine the appropriate activation icon and the knife will take control, using a laser to guide in your stabbing and slashing, automatically adjusting and compensating as required.

 

But wait, that’s not all!

 

Buy now and we’ll include at no extra cost the latest in light saber technologies using Galactic Defense Force approved SmartKnife technology. Using the BlueThought link and squeezing the SmartKnife handle to enable scanning of your prescanned fingerprints for GDF approved owner recognition and identification, this knife immediately extends a medium size, high powered light saber complete with GDF approved sound suppression and auto activated point of penatration camera for use in proving self defense.

 

But wait, that’s not all! Buy now, and you also get at no extra cost the standard macro scope. Using the knife at standard size you can easily field dress, skin and butcher a deer. But what to do when faced with a bigger animal? Simply pinch and zoom and this knife becomes a machete able to hack chunks off an elephant or whale. Pinch and shrink and the macro becomes useful, allowing you to field dress and carefully remove all internal organs from a creature as small as a mouse while using the macro lens capability enabling you to identify the organs at sizes you can actually see!

 

No more hunt and peck, no more swiping and slashing blindly. Take control. Use the features of this knife to turn it into a small scalpel for scalping mice, or a machete for hacking buffalo. Slash and hack with precision.

 

Featuring a lifetime warranty this knife may not be shipped to backward states that prohibit the owning, or carrying of any blade longer than half an inch (12.7 mm), and those states prohibiting ownership or concealed carry of any device with SmartKnife technology.

 

No Foolish Federal License requirements, shipping will be direct to your home on receipt of the appropriate funds in CGCs (Common Galactic Credits).

 

But wait, that’s not all! Buy now and a free, nanobot enhanced sheath will be included at no extra cost. This sheath appears the moment you hold the knife against your belt, automatically enclosing the knife and attaching it to your side for quick access in your choice of In Waist Band (extra pants size advised) or Outside Waist Band configurations.

 

We also recommend the optional “Don’t Panic” towel as carried by Ford Prefect, useful for many things including wiping your hands after knife combat or hunting. Also useful for wrapping around injured limbs if you happen to be a klutz with knives and sharp blades as some of our iKnifeCollector Digital Matrix members are, and try to hide cuts from their spouses.

 

WARNINGS and DISCLAIMERS

-          While this knife will hold a razor sharp edge we do not recommend using this as a straight razor. Attempting to shave any part of your face or throat while looking through the holographic sight or scope will void any and all warranties.

-          Keep your kiddy-lock on this knife at all times when it is not in your possession and remember to only ever point this knife in a safe direction. Always treat all knives as if they are sharp. Never point, slash or stab your knife at any object you do not intent to cut. Know what is beyond the object of your stabbing and slashing to avoid over penetration.

-          Do not attempt to use this knife while consuming substances known by the state of California to cause hallucination, yet voted as legal for use at any time.

-          Do not attempt to carry this knife in the long obsolete appendix carry position! In the days of primitive powder based propellants numerous people shot their femoral arteries or other sensitive procreational parts. This knife in the appendix carry position is equally dangerous and could permanently eliminate your progeny generation abilities, or penetrate your femoral artery resulting in premature checkout and carcass recycling.

-     No liability or responsibility for any carcass recycling or costs will be accepted by the manufacturer or seller of this knife.

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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 12:21

Ellis H. Roberson

This is the knife that every gardener in the world should have!!!  Moles, Gophers , snakes, bees, and all the other garden pests are just the victim of this wonderful tool. See them and smash with the all in one buy of a lifetime. Limited quanities are available for first come, first serve!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 12:52

Laura Scheuerman

Welcome to Carter’s Ultimate Knife shop!

Let me introduce you to the newest knife our founder has created for you. Miss Jan herself has cus-tom designed the ultimate knife for all you hunters and bush type people. The Georgia Star Tactical Fighting Knife comes with a removable scope for your convenience. This knife is the cream of the crop and is limited to only 5000 ever made. Get yours today!

Only $199.95! Shipping is $6.99 flat rate all day long!

This knife features the most up to date materials including, but not limited to star dust and unicorn horn… yes folks.. Unicorn horn. Jan only uses the best in her knife making! Get your limited edition knife, that is hand forged by Jan Carter herself!

She forged this knife herself… see here– I have proof!

After making the blade, Jan then puts her focus on making sure the scope is just right. This takes mak-ing sure all the stars align and careful consideration of the glass made from the sands of the Georgia tar pits. Collecting this sand takes weeks of donkey riding with Celtic songs sung at the top of your lungs, and sleeping outside with the critters native to the area….. This is not small feat, let me assure you! Then She takes her special tools made from the finest Floridian metals to sculpt the scope to fit on this great knife.

Once made, Jan makes sure the scope is perfect for your Georgia Star Tactical Fighting Knife with Remova-ble scope. Here is our lovely Jan making sure your removable scope is ready to use.

After making the scope it is covered in a covering that is made from a granulated stone collected from the underwater caves off the tip of the Florida coastline. This stone is the darkest substance known to man. Using this covering, makes sure no one will see your scope in the dark. Trust me– all they will see is the glint of your knife– just before they leave this world.

Make sure to order your Georgia Star Tactical Fighting Knife with Removable Scope today! Only $199.95 … and remember… shipping is only $6.99 flat rate all day long!

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Permalink Reply by Steve Scheuerman (Manx) on March 1, 2017 at 13:13

Andy Larrison

*AORTIC PLASMOSTATIC*

 AP5000 LASER HUNTER

*BUY IT NOW AT YOUR LOCAL WALMART*Note...For some reason, while converting this document to fit in this post, the photo formatting is a little off. This is my fault, not the submitter's, Oswald should be holding the knife, and it should fit better in the Ark

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on March 1, 2017 at 15:23

Somehow, I was expecting at least one "For a limited time only, buy one, at the regular price, get a second one FREE;  just add a separate processing fee".

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Permalink Reply by allanm on March 1, 2017 at 15:29

Now that submissions are closed ... I did think to put in mine a reference to the building of a boundary wall and that the knives have the ability to penetrate concrete and bricks. And if you buy two, for a limited time a third would be included free along with stirrups to allow attaching to feet (like pedals on racing bicycles) to allow wall climbing. Like a mountain or wall climber with a ice pick - two for the feet and one for a hand!

I've often been reminded that my sense of humor is not always politically correct. :-)

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Permalink Reply by Michael Squier on March 1, 2017 at 17:19

i had no time to enter, good luck to all who did. 

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Permalink Reply by Jan Carter on March 1, 2017 at 17:25

ROFL!!!!  OMG these are hysterical!  I have to vote for #4 with #6 as a close 2nd.  That was a hard choice with some great entries but I like that iKC makes it into the next century and some are still hiding knives from their spouses!

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In MemoriamPermalink Reply by D ale on March 1, 2017 at 20:08

I gotta say

You  are looking good in # 6, Jan.

I'm guessing .. swinging that hammer working that hot steel on the anvil has done AMAZiNG things for your natural good looks :)

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