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Life is too short.
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Permalink Reply by Jan Carter on
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AHHH, the elusive Reese's. I hear they hide in cupboards, drawers and have been seen in the local shopping areas. Sneaky little things (and addictive too). I have been considering taking shooting lessons. Anyone know where I can get lessons like this?
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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on
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SMILE.
It makes folks wonder what you're up to;
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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on -
LOL!!!
For a second, I thought you had a picture of my wife!
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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on -
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said; "Remove cap and push up bottom".
I can barely walk, but, whenever I pass gas, the room smells lovely.
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Gettin close to lunch, made me think of this story.
I like this kid...
The other day, our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
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Permalink Reply by Billy Oneale on
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Ha Ha . Probably the most eaten animal in the world. I like it anyway.
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'
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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on -
You know you're getting old -
- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what things USED to cost.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- You have a dream about prunes.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
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Perks Of Being Over The Hill
- There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
- Things that you buy now won't wear out.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
- You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
- You can sing along with elevator music.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
- Your eyes won't get too much worse.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
- You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
- In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
- You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
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Those are some good ones, Jan and Craig.I'm trying not to think about those things.
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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on -
Well, there ARE perks! You can act grumpy all you want, and then say you're just getting old! LOL!
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"Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television. "
I'm just glad that the ones that do hurt don't all hurt at the same time, whenever the weather changes...
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