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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 8, 2011 at 16:21

The older we get....

TWO

I was checking Out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register And placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

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In MemoriamPermalink Reply by Robert Burris on December 8, 2011 at 16:58

I guess everyone heard about the big flood this spring in Louisiana. Well one day I was driving down the levee road to check out the water when all of a sudden I spotted a car, off the road and in the water. Thinking that someone might be in the car, maybe hurt or something, I parked my truck and ran over to check it out. Well, there was nobody around, but there was a ten pound bass swimming around inside the car. Quick thinking, I ran back to my truck and got my fishing pole. To my surprise when I got back to the car, the bass had rolled up the windows.......Got Cha....lol

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FeaturedPermalink Reply by Craig Henry on December 8, 2011 at 17:16

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, poop!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

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Permalink Reply by Jan Carter on December 8, 2011 at 18:05

Craig,

Thank you so much for confirming the use of those tools for me

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Permalink Reply by Jan Carter on December 8, 2011 at 18:09

Two men are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

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Permalink Reply by Billy Oneale on December 8, 2011 at 21:47

Ha ha Ha

Robert Burris said:

I guess everyone heard about the big flood this spring in Louisiana. Well one day I was driving down the levee road to check out the water when all of a sudden I spotted a car, off the road and in the water. Thinking that someone might be in the car, maybe hurt or something, I parked my truck and ran over to check it out. Well, there was nobody around, but there was a ten pound bass swimming around inside the car. Quick thinking, I ran back to my truck and got my fishing pole. To my surprise when I got back to the car, the bass had rolled up the windows.......Got Cha....lol

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Permalink Reply by Billy Oneale on December 8, 2011 at 21:50

That is exactly how all those tools work. You should be the manual writer.

Craig Henry said:

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, poop!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 8, 2011 at 23:01

While I sat in the reception  area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man in a wheelchair into the  room.  As she went  to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there,  alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I  should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and  walked over to the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the 
man's, he  said, I know how you feel. 

 

My mom makes me ride in the stroller  too.'

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Permalink Reply by J.J. Smith III on December 9, 2011 at 15:12

Annie, Annie,  Are you ok?

I took CPR every year for almost 18 years and I guess I'd have to call it quits here.

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Permalink Reply by Jan Carter on December 9, 2011 at 17:13

I woke up, 
I lifted my arms, 
I moved my knees, 
I turned my neck.... 

Everything made the same noise: 

'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!' 

....I came to a conclusion: 

I am not old,  

I am crispy!!!

 

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Permalink Reply by Billy Oneale on December 9, 2011 at 23:04

 

 

--         Laugh for the Day!                                                          ________________________________                         I am still laughing………If nothing else, hopes this makes you laugh...I have laughed until my jaws/stomach hurt...              ONLY A  MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS                           Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!                                      Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  A guy who purchased for his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:                       Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that  sparked my  interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized tazer.  The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??                                 WAY TOO COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the     button.                                      NOTHING!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue  arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.                                  AWESOME!!!                                  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on theface of her microwave.                                  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading        the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would                 work  as advertised. Am I wrong?                                 So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my      nose, directions in one hand, tazer in  the other.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;  a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer                 than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm  looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,  less than 3/4" in circumference;  pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy AAA  batteries) thinking to myself 'no possible way!'          What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.                             I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side  as to say, 'don't do it d*****s,' reasoning that a one second burst from such tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...                                  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS  DESTRUCTION! WHAT THE H**L!?!                                 I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us                 both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere  to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living  room.                                  Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself one with a tazer, one note of caution - there is no such thing as a 1 second burst when you zap yourself! You will NOT let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a                 violent thrashing about on the floor... A 3 second burst would be considered conservative?                                  IT HURT LIKE H**L!!!                                  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.                                  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.                   Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!                                  P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!                                 If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

     

  Reply to Billy O'Neale   

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Permalink Reply by Steve Hanner on December 10, 2011 at 9:52

I stop by everyday for a good laugh and these posts never disappoint! I am still laughing!

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